Brace Yourselves.

Tomorrow's Halloween, which means one thing and one thing only: Christmas is not far away! But seriously. More important matters are at hand. Namely, the epic implosion of the known universe scheduled to take place less than three weeks from now. Yes, the irresistible force is careening towards the immovable object at breakneck speed, leaving humanity peeking tremulously from foxholes and bunker windows as cataclysm approaches.

Of course you know I am referring to the upcoming football match between Michigan's Wolverines and Ohio State's Buckeyes. It is of some regional significance, I'm told. Yes, Armageddon will occur sometime mid-afternoon Saturday, November 18 in Columbus, when the top two teams in college football renew their ancient, bloodthirsty, vengeful rivalry in a game that (barring unspeakable collapse by either of the two schools in their remaining two games prior to the matchup resulting in a loss to a lower-echelon Big Ten squad, which is quite unlikely) will decide the team that has the inside track to the national championship. ESPN, of course, is literally frothing with desire (and probably rabies) about this epic contest, going so far as to run a countdown (in hours!) to the game during last Saturday's pregame show. The counter was just under 500 hours. This is like y2k, people. We can pinpoint the exact moment in time we will be destroyed and the earth rendered a barren, smoking cinder. Essentially, this is like the Yale-Harvard rivalry, only more than 10,000 people care about it. You know what I'm talking about: two places in close proximity that, except for colors and a few other minute details, are almost exactly the same in every way. I'll be unpopular for saying that, but it's true and everyone knows it. The biggest difference between the two schools is that Michigan hates Notre Dame because they are rivals, whereas Ohio State just plain hates Notre Dame. Even so, both schools cackle with glee as they watch Brady "OMG" Quinn pout on the sidelines next to an indifferent, craw-stuffing Charlie "Baby Beluga" Weis as the porous ND defense gives up another easy TD to whatever bumblebug mid-major they're playing on NBC that weekend. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Ohio State and Michigan, twin brothers and evil clones of one another. Let's have a look at a breakdown of the matchup:

Quarterbacks: Troy Smith vs. Chad Henne. Smith is mobile, accurate, and good at breaking Michigan's heart. Henne is slow, inconsistent, has a bad haircut, and throws a lot to tacopants. In other words, Henne will be a gloriously successful NFL QB while Smith will end up playing receiver in the CFL. Edge: Ohio State.

Running Backs: Antonio Pittman vs. Michael Hart. Hart is the kind of moxie-filled, motivational, undersized scrapper that is usually a lot slower and whiter than the diminutive back from Syracuse. Pittman on the other hand, is a silent, hulking brute, dashing through defenders like they were gaps and gaps like they were helpless defenders. Slight edge: Michigan, since Pittman is likely a robot and could short-circuit in bad weather.

Receivers: Ginn, Gonzalez, Robiskie et al vs. Manningham, Arrington, Breaston and company. Ginn is fast. How fast? He once ran the 40 in .000109 seconds. Backwards. With Charlie Weis on his back. Barefoot. Gonzalez is actually better than Ginn, and the rest of OSU's receivers are solid. Manningham is a touchdown machine, frequently making tough catches and making up for Breaston's knack to drop 3/4 of the passes intended for him. On the other hand, Breaston is the greatest player in NCAA history at catching short screen passes, freezing, juking, striking terror into the hearts of the defensive coaching staff, and then getting tackled after a two-yard gain. Edge: Ohio State.

Offensive line: Big, fat guys vs. big, fat guys. O-line is tough to figure out. The QB gets sacked a lot? They're bad. Not? They might be good. These two teams both like to run the ball right at the defense, and they're good at it. Factoid: OSU T Alex Boone lost about 50 pounds of beer gut over the summer after a DUI. Edge: Even.

Defensive line: Whirling vortex of horror vs. rampaging hordes of unholy might. Both groups are quite, quite good. Michigan, however, has the clear edge here. They average something absurd like 7'3" and 545 pounds across the line (slight exaggerations) and knocked 2 of Penn State's innocent QBs out of the game with a blitzkrieg of sacks and flattenings that made Poland shudder. Smith's mobility at QB will probably help mitigate UM's bloodlust, but it will be tough to run against them. Edge: Michigan.

Linebackers: Laurinitis etc. vs. Harris, Burgess, Crable. Laurinitis, son of a former pro wrestler, has been all OMGWTF good in big games this season, with scads of interceptions, big hits, and AJ Hawk-ishness. Michigan's LBs have been pretty good too, and Burgess in particular has been vastly improved, reportedly because he now opens his eyes during most plays so he can actually see where it is he's running to, causing a dramatic increase in his effectiveness. Slight edge: Ohio State, I guess. Pretty even.

Defensive backs: Jenkins et al vs. Hall, Trent, and the gang. OSU's pass defense has been better than UM's statistically, but Michigan's corners are much more talented. Both groups will be tested, as talented wide receivers are aplenty here. The safeties seem unremarkable, possibly because this is getting long and I'm kind of tired of writing about defense. Edge: Michigan.

Special teams: Missing Nugent and Groom vs. Rivas? Still? Now with Zoltan! Yep. OSU no longer has an automatic PK, and the punting's been above average but not amazing. Michigan is in a similar situation, although Rivas, who has been kicking since sometime around 1999 (or so it seems), has looked pretty good. Still, his reputation for missing easy kicks at strange times precedes him. This is probably a wash. Both teams have return men who have probably gotten special teams coaches fired at a few schools. Edge: Even.

Coaching: Lloyd Carr vs. Jim Tressel. These two guys are about as exciting as a 1954 industry-training video about paper towels. Both are perfectly content to run the ball 85% of the time and win every game 11-5. Tressel's favorite play is the punt. Yeah. Carr, on the other hand, is your run-of-the-mill crotchety grandpa type, the one who keeps all the balls you hit over his fence in a big garbage bag labeled "Jason's toys he'll never ever get back ever even after I die so help me God won't someone teach these kids some respect, consarn it?" Tressel is suspected by many detractors and non-Buckeye partisans of cheating or using unholy magic, basically because he's really good at the two things Ohio State is notoriously bad at: beating Michigan and winning bowl games. I dismiss the notion that Tressel is "in Carr's head", however. Both men have, in all likelihood, killed men with their bare hands and enjoyed it. Edge: Ohio State.

What to watch for:

*Montage of the dozen or so times between 1992-1998 that Michigan spoiled Ohio State's amazing unbeaten inevitable national championship season.

*At least seven puns about RB Michael Hart being the "heart" of the Michigan team. El oh el.

*A story showing OSU's reversal of fortunes under Tressel, including a long slow-mo of John Cooper uncontrollably crapping his pants during one of the Michigan games in the mid-1990s.

*Desmond Howard's famous "Heisman touchdown" replayed six or ten times.

*Somewhere nestled in-between all the montages and flashbacks, an actual game.

Prediction: I'm not going to venture a guess as to the final outcome. Either way, the known universe will be blown to smithereens, so it seems like splitting hairs in all honesty. I hope that the game is close and hard-fought, goes to multiple overtimes, then ends on a freak play, a lucky bounce, or an unlikely injury to a key player. The resulting controversy results with the winner at #1 in the BCS and the loser as a surprising #2, creating a rematch in the Championship Game which would then cause the Big Bang again, re-creating the universe which was destroyed about six weeks earlier. We can only hope.