Fighting Injustice: Academy Award Snubs

I, as a practicing follower of Christ and concerned member of American society, asked myself this afternoon: What can I do to fight the terrible injustice which plagues the land like a burning swarm of locusts, flying ravenously from place to place, devouring all goodness it comes to? Simple, I said to myself, I will reveal the many mistakes which have been made in the awarding of Academy Awards. Many films of "cinematic quality" have been passed over in favor of artsy-farsty, "deep" films, so I have decided to benefit humanity by revealing these erroneous selections and offering counterproposals. Please, hold you applause until the end, at which point the thunderous waves of sound generated by the simultaneous mashing of hands together across the free world will cascade upon me, leaving me with bleeding eardrums. Thanks a lot, guys.

Snub One: Heavyweights (1995)
1995 Best Picture: Braveheart

How could the epic story of Scotland's battle for freedom, the heroic deeds of the inspirational William Wallace, and the complex rings of love, political deceit, and treachery receive this award instead of a movie about fat kids at fat camp being terrorized by a maniacal fitness guru and a German with a snoring problem? In Braveheart, the Scots may discover the value of freedom, but in Heavyweights, there is a far greater message: in order to receive respect from others, you must first begin to respect yourself. Take that, Braveheart. Heavyweights also offers practical advice for daily living, such as "don't put Twinkies on your pizza" and offers definitive proof that a man can, indeed, do a sit up without being able to see. Where are these valuable lessons in Braveheart? Nowhere to be found, that's where!
BATTLE OF EPIC QUOTES
Braveheart: "Freedom!" by William Wallace
Heavyweights: "Lunch has been cancelled, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it." by "Uncle" Tony Perkis
I rest my case.


Snub Two: The Sandlot (1993)
1993 Best Picture: Schindler's List

Okay, I know that the Academy is practically falling over itself trying to give Spielberg accolades, but this snub is most egregious. Never having actually seen Schindler's List, I will base my review totally on what I believe the movie contains. The Sandlot is a fun, nostalgic, summery look at a group of baseball playing young hooligans in the early 1960's. Scotty Smalls, dork and reject, discovers his own self-worth when he is accepted by the neighborhood gang, a gang which is galvanized by such memorable events as defeating the crosstown rivals, chewing tobacco and getting sick at the carnival, Squints putting the moves on Wendy Peffercorn, the town's most beautiful woman, and Scotty's tragic whacking of an autographed Babe Ruth baseball over the fence to "The Beast", a, and I quote, "Giant gorilla-dog thing that ate one kid already". Schindler's List, which does not include baseball, gorilla-dogs, hot lifeguards, or drug-induced vomiting (at least to my knowledge) clearly falls short. It also lacks originality. We get it Spielberg, World War II. Schindler's List is basically just a sequel to Saving Private Ryan, only not cool. There is less gore and the film is obviouslt hurt by Tom Hanks's replacement by Keenan Ivory Wayans. This dull, hackneyed film does not deserve to be placed in the same bargain rental or previously-viewed sales bins at Blockbuster.
BATTLE OF EPIC QUOTES
Schindler's List: "Hasta la vista, Schindler!" by Mr. Schindler
The Sandlot: "You're killing me, Smalls!" by Hamilton "The Great Hambino" Porter
Note: The quote from Schindler's List may be a slightly modified quote from The Terminator.


Snub Three: Dumb and Dumber (1994)
1994 Best Picture: Forrest Gump

This will be, by far, the most controversial of my arguments in this article. 1994 was a stunning year in the Academy, where, if I remember correctly, Forrest Gump defeated Dumb and Dumber for Best Picture by only a hanging chad. 1994 was also one of the best years ever for movies about lovable complete morons, and these two films are indisputable heavyweights (ha!) in this area of film. Alas, Forrest Gump has but one lovable idiot of a main character, and while Tom Hanks is to the screen what the Airway step of the ABC's is for CPR, the combined idiocy of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels is too much for the noble Hanks. Hanks is good, he runs, he talks about chocalate being a societal microcosm, but does Forrest Gump contain Sea Bass, an irate homosexual trucker, or two men in gaudy tuxedoes fighting with canes? No, it does not. Dumb and Dumber is even wise enough to pay homage to THE greatest film ever made, A Christmas Story, the epic about Ralphie and his quest for a Red Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time, by including a well-scripted scene where Daniels's Harry gets his tongue stuck to a frozen ski lift chair, a direct symbolic reference to Flick's terrible recess mishap involving a triple dog dare and a frozen flagpole. I'm sorry Forrest Gump, but you just lack the sophistication to make such skillful references to previous masterpieces. Thus, Dumb and Dumber logically emerges from the deep 1994 idiot-themed film genre as the unquestioned king.
BATTLE OF EPIC QUOTES
Forrest Gump: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." by Forrest Gump
Dumb and Dumber: "We ecven successfully mated a bulldog with a shih-tzu. We called it a Bullshit!" by Harry Dunne
The Forrest Gump quote is actually quite deep and provocative, and in any other year, it would have been enough to win the Best Picture, but this gem by Harry is easily one of the top three utterances by a human in world history. Sorry Forrest Gump, I guess 1994 just wasn't your year.