The Super Bowl is this weekend. Yeah, I know. It's been a year already, since the Colts played the...uh...Mumbly Joes or whoever. I've written at length the past three years about the Super Bowl, and I actually sat down to re-read those articles a few minutes ago. A couple things struck me immediately, like a vicious stab wound from Ray Lewis in the wee hours of the morning. First: I was a lot funnier back then. And second: every year, I've written something that seemed like a no-brainer that ended looking utterly foolish by the next year. Now, fortunately for me, nobody ever reads anything here, so I'm spared any sort of snarky comments about my poor prognostication, but this stuff is too striking not to mention. So I'll mention it, right now.
2005 - Super Bowl XXXIX
In 2005, with the Browns coming up just shy of the Super Bowl once again, I decided to offer a humorous look at the origins of the Super Bowl coupled with an ethnographic profile of the various types of fans across the country. When evaluating the abject, pitiable state of the Pittsburgh Steeler fan, I prophetically wrote that "these hillbillies throw their support behind a coach (Bill Cowher) whose playoff and Super Bowl record makes John Cooper look like a Michigan killer". Of course, at that point in time, Cowher's Steelers were infamous for choking in the AFC playoffs. Of course, a year later I was wailing and gnashing my teeth as those same Steelers were hoisting the Lombardi Trophy over their dirty, inbred shoulders. That's exactly the kind of in-your-face "screw you" from God that helps Cleveland lead the developed world in sports-fan-induced peptic ulcers.
2006 - Super Bowl XL
Okay, so here I'm faced with the looming reality that the Steelers would, almost invariably, win the Super Bowl. Yeah, the Browns were again screwed out of the playoffs by a bad call or...eleven. Anyway, despite the overpowering feelings of dread that consumed my consciousness prior to this game and told me in no uncertain terms that Pittsburgh was a mortal lock to win that night, I unwisely guessed that "my extreme inner rage and palpable hatred for Pittsburgh" could possibly "somehow will the Seahawks to victory this evening". We all know what happened that night. I can't get into that right now. Not when the sessions with Dr. Thurgood are finally starting to help.
2007 - Super Bowl XLI
I'll admit, I was somewhat aware of my Super Bowl post curse last year, so when I made an assertive claim last year, I made sure that was no possible way I could ever get it wrong. Naturally, I turned to the Browns, the team I know better than any other, to make my unmessupable pick. What did I write?
"At the rate they're rebuilding, we'll all be long dead before they're above .500."
Of course, defying all the odds and conventional wisdom, the Browns followed this by going 10-6 and barely missing the AFC playoffs. I do not exaggerate when I say that I believed there was a better chance of "Cretaceous Countdown 3: The Armageddoning" being released in theaters worldwide to critical acclaim last Thanksgiving than there was of the Browns finishing above .500 this season, let alone 10-6. Truly, whatever I predict here in my Super Bowl posts comes completely untrue the next season. Wait. Wait. Whatever. I. Predict?
Super Bowl XLIII
Cleveland Browns 31, Dallas Cowboys 24
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Vegas to put all my life savings on this exact outcome for next year. If current trends hold, I'll probably make a cool $57 trillion on this exclusive enthrallingboredom.blogspot.com "Watertight Golden Rule Safeguard FDIC Guaranteed Absolute Lock of the Century Pick" of the week. Scurry to your bookies, fans, this one's a can't-miss!
Jan 31, 2008
Jan 22, 2008
What I Learned at School Today
I've written a children's book about Yale! How cute. It has great illustrations (by me!) and a good story with a moral at the end. Enjoy, everybody.
Yale is in Connecticut. It is far away. Connecticut has nutmeg, a panhandle, and wasps, and Yale. It is a good state.
This is me. I go to Yale. I have a crew sweatshirt. I wear it every day.
Look at this funny man. What a strange shirt. And such wee little jeans. Maybe he should go outside to play more often.
Her boots sure are fuzzy-wuzzy! And look at how big her bag is. She must be carrying an entire month's worth of north face jackets.
Yikes! At Yale, I learned that you can't stand outside of some people's houses holding not nice signs. Then you get sued by people who use it as an excuse to further a questionable agenda. Bad idea!
Yale is in Connecticut. It is far away. Connecticut has nutmeg, a panhandle, and wasps, and Yale. It is a good state.
This is me. I go to Yale. I have a crew sweatshirt. I wear it every day.
Look at this funny man. What a strange shirt. And such wee little jeans. Maybe he should go outside to play more often.
Her boots sure are fuzzy-wuzzy! And look at how big her bag is. She must be carrying an entire month's worth of north face jackets.
Yikes! At Yale, I learned that you can't stand outside of some people's houses holding not nice signs. Then you get sued by people who use it as an excuse to further a questionable agenda. Bad idea!
Jan 8, 2008
A Google Search Guide to My Writing, Apparently
It's that time of year again! Time to see what insane google keywords led to visits to my site, that is! Nothing else offers such a crystal-clear picture into the labyrinthine dungeons of torment that the human mind becomes whilst browsing the internet. Let's see what we have...
velosarapter (3 separate times): I misspelled it to make a point. Well-made, evidently.
pineapple isopropyl alcohol: I guess people want great-smelling rubbing alcohol. Now we know.
santa costume xxxxl: Even more depressing since it came 2 weeks after Christmas.
Jeff Faine - girlfriend: Heh. Okay.
wages rowing coach: Frankly, I'm surprised this search led to anything at all.
slaughterhouse combine: Now we're talking!
hot untanned asses: Begin the misguided quests for porn, apparently.
rough riders in rose bowl parade: Somehow, I doubt it.
"missy model" dvd: I suspect this is another porn search, but I'm too afraid to delve any further.
naughty elf costume xxx: I had a lot of variations of this one. I guess people think anything is sexy...
colloges to become a lower: ???
whap persian: Anybody? Bueller?
women are irrational: Google, I love you.
sexy miss clause costumes in san diego, ca: I weep for the future.
how to go to the land of the elves through my closet: Lay off the meth, hombre.
naughty female santa's elves: At least they searched for female ones...
PICTURE SITTING ON SEXY MRS CLAUS LAP: NOW DAMMIT! NOW!!!
"pregnant with septuplets": Really, really hoping it's not for porn...
when you are confrotned with a threatening event, you will experience stress if: Google cut this fellow off.
underwear horned guys: Either underpants are being made for deformed men with horns, or this is another disappointed porn seeker.
homosexual trucker: Sea Bass?
"larry hughes" hickory: I don't understand it, but I like it.
is it legal for a judge for band marching contest to give you a lower grade because they do not like the song: An enthrallingboredom.blogspot.com exclusive.
regular ejaculation makes him feel weak: Sorry...
"groping the asian girl on a train": Not touching this one, not with a 10,000 foot pole.
how to make meth with krylon: This might be a winner, here.
usc condom bucket: How are these three words in any way related? This man has to know...
hot lifeguard blowing into me cpr: Ladies and gentlemen, the grand prize winner.
velosarapter (3 separate times): I misspelled it to make a point. Well-made, evidently.
pineapple isopropyl alcohol: I guess people want great-smelling rubbing alcohol. Now we know.
santa costume xxxxl: Even more depressing since it came 2 weeks after Christmas.
Jeff Faine - girlfriend: Heh. Okay.
wages rowing coach: Frankly, I'm surprised this search led to anything at all.
slaughterhouse combine: Now we're talking!
hot untanned asses: Begin the misguided quests for porn, apparently.
rough riders in rose bowl parade: Somehow, I doubt it.
"missy model" dvd: I suspect this is another porn search, but I'm too afraid to delve any further.
naughty elf costume xxx: I had a lot of variations of this one. I guess people think anything is sexy...
colloges to become a lower: ???
whap persian: Anybody? Bueller?
women are irrational: Google, I love you.
sexy miss clause costumes in san diego, ca: I weep for the future.
how to go to the land of the elves through my closet: Lay off the meth, hombre.
naughty female santa's elves: At least they searched for female ones...
PICTURE SITTING ON SEXY MRS CLAUS LAP: NOW DAMMIT! NOW!!!
"pregnant with septuplets": Really, really hoping it's not for porn...
when you are confrotned with a threatening event, you will experience stress if: Google cut this fellow off.
underwear horned guys: Either underpants are being made for deformed men with horns, or this is another disappointed porn seeker.
homosexual trucker: Sea Bass?
"larry hughes" hickory: I don't understand it, but I like it.
is it legal for a judge for band marching contest to give you a lower grade because they do not like the song: An enthrallingboredom.blogspot.com exclusive.
regular ejaculation makes him feel weak: Sorry...
"groping the asian girl on a train": Not touching this one, not with a 10,000 foot pole.
how to make meth with krylon: This might be a winner, here.
usc condom bucket: How are these three words in any way related? This man has to know...
hot lifeguard blowing into me cpr: Ladies and gentlemen, the grand prize winner.
Dec 10, 2007
Christmas to the MAX: 2007 Holiday Merchandise Arrives At Last!
It's the most wonderful time of the year again! No, not Arbor Day, you fool. Christmas - whoopee! As I'm confident you all know, Christmas commemorates the fateful night when Jesus came to Earth and once and for all resolved that HD-DVD would triumph over Blu-Ray. Or something like that. Anyway, we're only about two weeks away from the big day, when we'll wake up early and open gifts and immediately, on the one day of the year that's supposed to be about family and warm feelings of togetherness, begin trying to assess where this year's present haul lands on your list of all-time greatest Christmases (it will be tough for 2007, or any year, to ever beat 2000, the year that a Playstation 2 and a family iMac appeared under the tree, if my foggy memory serves me correctly). Of course, I'd be remiss if I neglected to provide you all with another impressive catalog of me-themed merchandise, as is enthrallingboredom.blogspot.com Yuletide tradition. So let's roll out the credit cards and start spending, America!
You're probably expecting the same old crap I've been offering for the past three years. Singalong tapes with lousy production values. Figurines manufactured in Asian countries that haven't technically existed in fifty years. Obnoxious singing ornaments. Well, you're not going to be disappointed again this year, because we really went all out this Christmas. Let's have a look.
Straight from the barren wastes of inner Finland, buy your child his/her very own renideer! Trained from birth by Lapp nomads to respond to their individual names, choose from any one of Santa's nine favorite flying reindeer. Ensure a magical Christmas for your loved one by buying them a living, breathing piece of Christmas magic.
Dasher - $1,359.95
Dancer - $1,299.95
Prancer - $1,299.95
Vixen - $1,459.95
Comet - $1,299.95
Cupid - $1,299.95
Donder - $1,399.95
Blitzen - $1,399.95
Rudolph - $1,799.95
800-pound sack of Grade-L Kazakh reindeer feed - $199.95
Note: Reindeer do not fly. Do not attempt to ride reindeer. Do not stick fingers or other objects in, near, or on reindeer's mouth, nose, or eyes. Always wear a helmet. Rudolph's glowing nose may cause sterility, hair loss, vomiting, tumors, and dementia.
If you thought the reindeer were awesome, wait until you see the next item up for sale this year. Santa suits have been on sale since the early medieval period. Sexy elf suits have been available since the mid-1950s. But what options exist for today's married woman who still wants to spice up Christmas within the confines of marital bliss? Search no longer, for the Naughty Mrs. Claus costume is now on sale! Made of a figure-forgiving blend of poly-lycra and dry-wick spandex that easily comes clean of any (ahem!) egg nog stains, the naughty Mrs. Claus costume redefines sexy in a way only Enthralling Boredom could dream of. Ladies, give your Santa his very own present to unwrap this Christmas, if you know what I mean...
Naughty Mrs. Claus Costume comes in sizes L-XXXXL
Large or X-Large - $79.95
XX-Large or XXX-Large - $99.95
XXXX-Large - Call to speak with tailor
Note: By "if you know what I mean", I meant "have familiar relations with your mortified (or disturbingly aroused) husband while wearing a revealing, faux-fur lined crushed velour and spandex abomination that resembles a cross between a Santa costume, a streetwalker, and the wicked witch of the west". I apologize for any sexy confusion.
Okay, I know what you're thinking. This year's products already top everything I've offered in years past - it couldn't possibly get any better. Wrong. In fact, I'm confident that people will order this next product at all times throughout the year, as it is truly an indispensable necessity. Get your very own.... elf!
That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. We've been hard at work here in our "workshop" to create the greatest Christmas "toy" in history using "genetic engineering and cloning technologies banned by the Geneva convention". Huzzah! Your personalized elf comes branded with a unique name and a seal establishing your ownership. Thanks to miracles of orangutan DNA, they're not technically human - so it's not slavery! Elves stand between 30-48 inches tall and come complete with a costume and rudimentary understanding of the English language, which they'll speak in an adorably high-pitched and pointy-eared voice at all times lest they be punished with electrical shock. Get your elf today - quantity discounts on orders of four or more!
Male elf, "Hermie model" - $49.95
Male elf, "Basil model" - $44.95
Male elf, "Pippin model" - $44.95
Female elf, "Wendy model" - $39.95
Female elf, "Stacy model" - $39.95
Female elf, "Missy model" - $39.95
800-pound sack of Grade-L Kazakh elf pellets - $199.95
Note: Elves should be stored in a cool, dry place such as a closet or cupboard when not in use. Elves respond poorly to most abrasive household cleansers - to clean your elf use a scouring pad and dishwater. In rare cases, test elves repeatedly sodomized cats, dogs, and gerbils within a simulated household setting. Exercise caution before introducing your elf to any pets. Due to the foibles of genetic engineering, most of our elves are irresistibly attracted to open flame - leashing or caging can be used to protect elves from accidental self-immolation.
Merry Christmas everyone!
You're probably expecting the same old crap I've been offering for the past three years. Singalong tapes with lousy production values. Figurines manufactured in Asian countries that haven't technically existed in fifty years. Obnoxious singing ornaments. Well, you're not going to be disappointed again this year, because we really went all out this Christmas. Let's have a look.
Straight from the barren wastes of inner Finland, buy your child his/her very own renideer! Trained from birth by Lapp nomads to respond to their individual names, choose from any one of Santa's nine favorite flying reindeer. Ensure a magical Christmas for your loved one by buying them a living, breathing piece of Christmas magic.
Dasher - $1,359.95
Dancer - $1,299.95
Prancer - $1,299.95
Vixen - $1,459.95
Comet - $1,299.95
Cupid - $1,299.95
Donder - $1,399.95
Blitzen - $1,399.95
Rudolph - $1,799.95
800-pound sack of Grade-L Kazakh reindeer feed - $199.95
Note: Reindeer do not fly. Do not attempt to ride reindeer. Do not stick fingers or other objects in, near, or on reindeer's mouth, nose, or eyes. Always wear a helmet. Rudolph's glowing nose may cause sterility, hair loss, vomiting, tumors, and dementia.
If you thought the reindeer were awesome, wait until you see the next item up for sale this year. Santa suits have been on sale since the early medieval period. Sexy elf suits have been available since the mid-1950s. But what options exist for today's married woman who still wants to spice up Christmas within the confines of marital bliss? Search no longer, for the Naughty Mrs. Claus costume is now on sale! Made of a figure-forgiving blend of poly-lycra and dry-wick spandex that easily comes clean of any (ahem!) egg nog stains, the naughty Mrs. Claus costume redefines sexy in a way only Enthralling Boredom could dream of. Ladies, give your Santa his very own present to unwrap this Christmas, if you know what I mean...
Naughty Mrs. Claus Costume comes in sizes L-XXXXL
Large or X-Large - $79.95
XX-Large or XXX-Large - $99.95
XXXX-Large - Call to speak with tailor
Note: By "if you know what I mean", I meant "have familiar relations with your mortified (or disturbingly aroused) husband while wearing a revealing, faux-fur lined crushed velour and spandex abomination that resembles a cross between a Santa costume, a streetwalker, and the wicked witch of the west". I apologize for any sexy confusion.
Okay, I know what you're thinking. This year's products already top everything I've offered in years past - it couldn't possibly get any better. Wrong. In fact, I'm confident that people will order this next product at all times throughout the year, as it is truly an indispensable necessity. Get your very own.... elf!
That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. We've been hard at work here in our "workshop" to create the greatest Christmas "toy" in history using "genetic engineering and cloning technologies banned by the Geneva convention". Huzzah! Your personalized elf comes branded with a unique name and a seal establishing your ownership. Thanks to miracles of orangutan DNA, they're not technically human - so it's not slavery! Elves stand between 30-48 inches tall and come complete with a costume and rudimentary understanding of the English language, which they'll speak in an adorably high-pitched and pointy-eared voice at all times lest they be punished with electrical shock. Get your elf today - quantity discounts on orders of four or more!
Male elf, "Hermie model" - $49.95
Male elf, "Basil model" - $44.95
Male elf, "Pippin model" - $44.95
Female elf, "Wendy model" - $39.95
Female elf, "Stacy model" - $39.95
Female elf, "Missy model" - $39.95
800-pound sack of Grade-L Kazakh elf pellets - $199.95
Note: Elves should be stored in a cool, dry place such as a closet or cupboard when not in use. Elves respond poorly to most abrasive household cleansers - to clean your elf use a scouring pad and dishwater. In rare cases, test elves repeatedly sodomized cats, dogs, and gerbils within a simulated household setting. Exercise caution before introducing your elf to any pets. Due to the foibles of genetic engineering, most of our elves are irresistibly attracted to open flame - leashing or caging can be used to protect elves from accidental self-immolation.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Dec 5, 2007
Meteor, Roughriders to be Big Winners in College Bowl Season '07-'08
Another year, another inevitable BCS imbroglio that threatens to undermine any last shred of integrity that college football clings to with white knuckles. Sunrise, sunset. Seriously though, while this season certainly didn't live up to anybody's expectations, I'd argue that it's been more entertaining than any other season in recent memory. It seemed like every weekend one of the top five teams would inexplicably lose to someone awful, like Stanford, Pittsburgh, or Appalachian State. On the last weekend of the season, the top two teams both lost, opening the door for an Ohio State team nobody is excited about and a Louisiana State squad that, despite its two triple-overtime upset losses, has a coach insisting they are practically unbeaten. So yeah. Here we go again: Ohio State's ruthless cyborg efficiency behind steely-eyed and sweater-vested Jim Tressel against LSU's whoooooooooeeeeeeee SEC SPEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!1! With that, I kick off the enthrallingboredom.blogspot.com annual way-too-early bowl analysis and prediction post! Remember, gambling on college sports might be morally ambiguous, but using these predictions for wagering purposes borders on the insane - I assume no responsibility for bankruptcies, divorces, and foreclosures!
12/20
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Utah vs. Navy
Twice a bridesmaid for the illustrious "Least Aptly-Named, Most Inconceivably Insignificant, Head-Scratchingly Useless and Disappointing Bowl Game of the Year Award", the SDCCUPB strides confidently to the connubial altar this year, as it wins the coveted LANMIIHSUDBGOYA in the award's closest vote ever, winning by a 1-0 margin over the Roady's Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl. So congrats, San Diego County Credit Union, you've joined papajohns.com in the immortal pantheon of bowl game futility.
PREDICTION: Utah 38, Navy 27
LAST WORD: Navy was fun to watch this year - they beat Notre Dame but lost to I-AA Delaware. Utah isn't as exciting or patriotic, but they're better at football. This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a Poinsettia Bowl.
ANALOGY: Poinsettia Bowl: bowl games:: Geo Metro: automobiles
12/21
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis
Holy hell, what a terrible matchup. I'd almost rather venture into a mall four days before Christmas than watch this game, and this is coming from a fan who voluntarily watched entire Cleveland Browns contests for all of 1999.
PREDICTION: Memphis 36, Florida Atlantic 17
LAST WORD: Next!
ANALOGY: New Orleans Bowl: Poinsettia Bowl:: Kia Spectra: Geo Metro
12/22
Papa John's Pizza Papajohns.com Bowl
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
They may not have beaten the Poinsettia Bowl this year for being the dumbest bowl game, but they're a shoo-in for the Redundancy in Naming Award. Talk about a mismatch, Cincy is a top fifteen team, while Southern Miss is pretty damn bad, even for a bowl game three days before Christmas in Birmingham.
PREDICTION: Cincinnati 31, Southern Miss 7
LAST WORD: Fear not, we're only about 20 days from the BCS Championship!
ANALOGY: Papa Johns: pizza:: Spam: pork products
New Mexico Bowl
Nevada vs. New Mexico
The 2007 New Mexico Bowl: the only bowl game brought to you by...New Mexico!!! I'm pretty sure it's written somewhere in the game's contract that either New Mexico or New Mexico State must play in the bowl. Still, I guess Nevada and New Mexico are about as natural as rivals can get. If not in football, at least in alien conspiracy theories, or... well, sand, I suppose.
PREDICTION: Nevada 24, New Mexico 20
LAST WORD: New Mexico fans riot after the win and set Albuquerque ablaze, rendering much of the state a glassy, inhospitable wasteland.
ANALOGY: UNLV: Nevada:: New Mexico State: New Mexico
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl
Brigham Young vs. UCLA
Now we're talking! Mormons in the Sin City to battle Westwood's finest! While this might not be such a great game, at least the announcers won't get bored with such a great storyline.
PREDICTION: BYU 31, UCLA 16
LAST WORD: UCLA is miserable, but at least they fired their coach. I'm sure that will be all it takes to push them past USC at last.
ANALOGY: Bea! Why you?: 31:: You see? LA!:16
12/23
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
East Carolina vs. Boise State
So many angles on this one. Boise State, last year's unanimous national champion and Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2007, travels to the Hawaii Bowl, traditionally the bastion of the University of Hawaii, because they lost to Hawaii a few weeks ago. So Hawaii and Boise have swapped spots in the bowls this year, essentially, but the Broncos remain the nation's darling. East Carolina, meanwhile, faces the unenviable prospect of flying almost halfway around the world to get reamed by Ian Johnson and Co. At least they get to go to Hawaii. It could be worse - ask Southern Miss!
PREDICTION: Boise State 37, East Carolina 17
LAST WORD: Boise finishes 11-2, #2 in the nation, and as always, #1 in our hearts. God Bless America.
ANALOGY: Hawaii: tourist dollars:: Paris Hilton: camera lenses
12/26
Chrysler, Ford, and GM Motor City Bowl
Central Michigan vs. Purdue
Q: Hey, Purdue, you just finished in a four-way tie for seventh place in the Big Ten! What are you going to do next?
A: Take a bus to Detroit on the day after Christmas...
Q: Oh....
PREDICTION: Purdue 42, Central Michigan 28
LAST WORD: This is a rematch of a game nobody wanted to watch in the first place.
ANALOGY: Detroit: Michigan:: Sarajevo: Bosnia and Herzegovina
12/27
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Arizona State vs. Texas
Ah, the Holiday Bowl. The sole beacon of light and justice amidst a tempestuous sea of blackness and chaos. Why such a perennially good matchup is always a week before New Year's is a mystery to me, but it's a welcome reprieve from your Motor City and New Mexico Bowls. Texas is probably the most overrated team in the country, or at least they were before losing to Texas A&M, the other most overrated team in the country.
PREDICTION: Arizona State 30, Texas 19
LAST WORD: Sun Devils plan to celebrate win by coasting through next season 5-7, per usual.
ANALOGY: Arizona State: breast implants:: Texas: overemphasized masculinity
12/28
Champs Sports Bowl
Michigan State vs. Boston College
Oh, Boston College, how far you have fallen. The football starved northeast wanted so badly for you to storm the BCS and provide everyone with Doug Flutie-approved miracles, but it was not to be. Now you face Michigan State, a team so inconsistent and unstable that, given the way this season has gone, will inevitably win this game.
PREDICTION: Michigan State 28, Boston College 27
LAST WORD: I'm well aware of how bad this pick is; that's exactly why I picked it.
ANALOGY: Michigan State: flaky:: Fergie: obnoxious
Texas Bowl
Texas Christian vs. Houston
In your face, New Mexico Bowl! Booyah! These former Southwest Conference members have spent the past fifteen years cursing SMU and regularly doing some BCS busting. And finally, we have the Texas Bowl to once and for all tell us who the fourth best college football team in Texas is. Somewhere, Baby Jesus is smiling down on a Wal-Mart.
PREDICTION: Houston 33, Texas Christian 21
LAST WORD: Be still, my heart! Believe it or not, it gets even better than this.
ANALOGY: Baby Jesus: Jesus:: Michael Jackson, circa Jackson 5: Michael Jackson, circa today
Emerald Nuts Emerald Bowl
Oregon State vs. Maryland
Good Emerald Bowl or...best Emerald Bowl ever? Anyway, Oregon State has a suffocating defense and Maryland lacks what the pro scouts consider "talent". This does not bode well for the Terps and Coach Friedgen, who has literally (like the rest of the Western hemisphere) and figuratively been eclipsed by fellow land-whale Mangino at Kansas.
PREDICTION: Oregon State 24, Maryland 10
LAST WORD: Haha. Beavers.
ANALOGY: Oregon State's uniforms: Oregon's uniforms:: Being impaled on a rusty spike: Being boiled in oil
12/29
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Wake Forest vs. Connecticut
If you don't know about these teams, I'll save you a lot of trouble. Remember Rudy? Picture two entire teams of Rudys, squads that win games due to fluky turnovers, bad calls, blind luck, and plucky gumption rather than football skill and strategy. Somewhere, Baby Walter Camp is smiling down on a Woolworth's.
PREDICTION: Connecticut 5, Wake Forest 4.
LAST WORD: My sources indicate Joe Paterno will vote the winner of this game #1 in the Coaches' Poll.
ANALOGY: Rudy: good movies:: Pyongyang: good vacation destinations
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
Mississippi State is really, really bad. Really. Really bad. Their coach does sound sort of like Barry White talking through a Darth Vader mask though, so there's that, um, angle. I guess. Central Florida's actually pretty solid, and they have the best unheralded running back in the country. How unheralded? So unheralded I don't remember his name.
PREDICTION: Central Florida 20, Mississippi State 14
LAST WORD: Not a good year for football in the state of Mississippi. In fact, was it a good year for anything in the state of Mississippi?
ANALOGY: Mississippi State: Ole Miss:: Dumb: Dumber
Valero Alamo Bowl
Texas A&M vs. Penn State
For those of you who disdain the forward pass and going for it on second down and who didn't get enough stodginess in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, I present to you the Alamo Bowl. Two hilariously hamstrung offenses coupled with annually stingy defenses. Talk about a great way to blast through the post-Christmas pre-New Year's miasma!
PREDICTION: Penn State 13, Texas A&M 12
LAST WORD: All the points will come from defensive touchdowns. A&M will miss both extra points, while Penn State only misses one. Go Nits!
ANALOGY: Joe Paterno: death:: Angels: winning the pennant
12/30
PetroSun Independence Bowl
Colorado vs. Alabama
From the makers of...gasoline. Live, from...Shreveport. Comes the...Indepe, ah the hell with it. Which team will finish above .500? Which team will fall below .500? I don't know, but there are...no ties in college football anymore, so it can't be both of them.
PREDICTION: Alabama 17, Colorado 14
LAST WORD: In a last minute decision, Nick Saban abandons a plan to wear a Bear Bryant derby and glow-in-the-dark t-shirt comparing Alabama's recent struggles to September 11 on the sidelines. Surprisingly, Crimson Tide partisans still assassinate him halfway through the third quarter.
ANALOGY: Nick Saban: popularity:: MAD Magazine: journalistic integrity
12/31
Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl
California vs. Air Force
CONFLICT OF INTEREST! Air Force in an Armed Forces Bowl sponsored by a helicopter company? Honestly? Cal is going to get jobbed here. Ten bucks they get arrested by military police for trespassing when they try to enter the locker rooms at Amon G. Carter Stadium.
PREDICTION: Air Force 23, California 18
LAST WORD: California's season went down the tubes pretty quickly, eh? Enjoy a night of grim sarcasm in Fort Worth, Golden Bears!
ANALOGY: Berkeley: "you can't, like own, property, man":: Air Force: "kill a commie for mommy"
Brut Sun Bowl
South Florida vs. Oregon
Say what you will about the Brut Sun Bowl, at least it has a really short name. Only eleven letters. Good job, guys. Anyway, this could have been the BCS Championship Game about six weeks ago. Now Oregon is basically playing their backup punter at QB. They deserved better.
PREDICTION: South Florida 21, Oregon 17
LAST WORD: This will announce South Florida's existence as a university that plays football and comes from southern Florida to the tens of fans who tune in. Take notice, BCS!
ANALOGY: Oregon: Orgeron:: In: Gin
Roady's Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
It must be really weird for Fresno State to be playing in a bowl game at Boise State's home field. It'd be like watching Michigan run out of the home tunnel at the Horseshoe. I bet those guys think it's weird. Do you think they think it's weird?
PREDICTION: Fresno State 30, Georgia Tech 23
LAST WORD: Calvin Johnson must be so bitter that Chan Gailey only got fired after he left. And that he now plays for the Detroit Lions. At least he still holds the secret to human flight.
ANALOGY: Calvin Johnson: Reggie Ball:: LeBron James: Larry Hughes
Gaylord Hotels and Bridgestone Music City Bowl
Florida State vs. Kentucky
Kentucky is another one of those teams that was a great story for the first eight weeks of the season and an unmitigated disaster for the final month. Say hi, Oregon, California, South Florida, Boston College, Connecticut, and South Carolina! Unlike most Kentucky football games, this wouldn't be a better matchup on the basketball court.
PREDICTION: Kentucky 35, Florida State 22
LAST WORD: I hope they play the Allstate commercials about the Bobby Bowden statue during this game. That'd be so meta.
ANALOGY: Bobby Bowden: football coaches:: Ramses II: Egyptian pharaohs
Insight Enterprises Insight Bowl
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
I, for one, am thrilled that Indiana finally made a bowl game. They were the last remaining Big Ten team I couldn't personally remember making it to the postseason, and they're a good story. Neither team has a defense, and they both like to score a lot. This is what bowl games are supposed to look like. You hear me, Alamo Bowl?
PREDICTION: Oklahoma State 52, Indiana 41
LAST WORD: I guess this was technically as close to a dream season as it could get for Indiana. Still, no.
ANALOGY: Hoosiers: Hoosiers:: Cowboys: Brokeback Mountain
Chick-fil-A (Peach) Bowl
Clemson vs. Auburn
It bugs me that they renamed the Peach Bowl for a chicken sandwich restaurant whose only apparent claim to fame is waffle-cut french fries. Still, this is probably the best matchup we've seen so far. So I won't make jokes about it.
PREDICTION: Auburn 23, Clemson 20
LAST WORD: Auburn always seems to win these ones, while Clemson always seems to blow them. How's that for analysis?!
ANALOGY: Chick-fil-A: chicken:: Papa Johns: pizza
1/1/2008
Outback Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
Need to cure that New Year's Eve hangover before the in-laws arrive? Enjoy the Outback Bowl. Wisconsin sniped this bid early and it looked smart until Missouri and West Virginia lost. As it stands, it's a January bowl game between two solid, talented teams. I'd even dare say it's watchable.
PREDICTION: Tennessee 28, Wisconsin 20
LAST WORD: I think Wisconsin will have trouble moving the ball against Tennessee.
ANALOGY: Wisconsin: beer and cheese:: Tennessee: raccoons 'n' gravy
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Missouri vs. Arkansas
Battle of the Ozarks: This time, it's about the crushing poverty! Missouri is inevitably feeling snubbed after Kansas made the Orange Bowl despite not even winning their division. Arkansas will probably line up all-world RB Darren McFadden at running back, quarterback, receiver, center, punter, linebacker, nickelback, and head coach, now that Houston Nutt is gone. I love Arkansas. Their trick plays are just standard runs out of the I-form or short curl routes along the sideline. Nobody is prepared for them.
PREDICTION: Missouri 37, Arkansas 31
LAST WORD: McFadden is a blinding beam of light, but unfortunately he can't play every position simultaneously. Don't be stupid. Only Mike Hart can achieve such feats.
ANALOGY: Darren McFadden: football skill:: LeBron James: human evolution
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
Virginia vs. Texas Tech
Ah, this is a good matchup. Virginia lived and died by the UConn-Wake Forest-Penn State philosophy all year, meaning all their games were close and none were pretty. Texas Tech, on the other hand, is the quintessential Playstation offense, quite content to throw the ball 80 or 90 times a game. Quite the contrast, these two.
PREDICTION: Texas Tech 34, Virginia 20
LAST WORD: Tech's Mike Leach is my favorite coach in the NCAA. Eminently quotable, a gentleman and scholar. The last true Renaissance man.
ANALOGY: Mike Leach: football coaches:: Blackbeard: pirate captains
Capital One Bowl
Michigan vs. Florida
Talk about a horrible season for Michigan. Bad losses, injuries, fourth straight defeat to Ohio State, a Jerry Springer-esque coaching melodrama in the wake of Lloyd Carr's retirement. You name it. A meteor could strike Jake Long dead at the fifty yard line during the coin toss and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. In fact, Vegas is offered 1:2 odds on that very scenario unfolding, and I'm taking this opportunity to call that my Watertight Golden Rule Safeguard FDIC Guaranteed Absolute Lock of the Century Pick. Seriously. Go. Call your bookie, $200 on the meteor. Go meteor!
PREDICTION: Florida 44, Meteor 17, Michigan 14
LAST WORD: Let's hear all the self-righteous Michigan fans put a positive spin on this one, especially after they inevitably hire Mike DeBord as the new head coach.
ANALOGY: Michigan: delusions of relevance:: Florida: delusions of popularity
Citi Rose Bowl Game
Illinois vs. Southern California
The Rose Bowl is different. It's not just any bowl, no, it's a Bowl Game. It doesn't pick just any two teams, no. One of them is crappy (Illinois). And there's a lame parade! Hail tradition!
PREDICTION: Southern California 37, Illinois 13
LAST WORD: Illinois: 2008's most inevitably overrated team. Just saying.
ANALOGY: Ron Zook: Rose Bowl:: Lap:: Falling things
Allstate Sugar Bowl
Hawaii vs. Georgia
The best team Hawaii played was Boise State. Hawaii actually played a junior college, a technical high school, a Pop Warner squad, and an all-star assembly of Great Plains Punt, Pass, and Kick semifinalists en route to an undefeated season. Georgia in a rout.
PREDICTION: Georgia 34, Hawaii 17
LAST WORD: Don't worry Boise, you're still my favorite.
ANALOGY: Colt Brennan: legitimate Heisman candidate:: Dennis Kucinich: Our 44th President
1/2
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Of all the teams to gripe about LSU in the title game, Oklahoma has the strongest case. They beat the #1 team in the season finale, while LSU beat...Tennessee. Barely. West Virginia, meanwhile, lost to Pitt due to injuries and the general nonsensicalness of this season. Both teams nearly had a title shot, so they should be reasonably pissed off for this one. Expect a good, hard-fought contest.
PREDICTION: Oklahoma 35, West Virginia 31
LAST WORD: Over/Under on the number of references to White and Slaton as a "dynamic duo": fifteen. I'm taking the over.
ANALOGY: West Virginia: couches:: Oklahoma: hopes and dreams
1/3
FedEx Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
In Kansas's last (and arguably, first ever) game in the national spotlight (against Missouri), they looked like a tired middle schooler, blinking and mumbling "five more minutes, mom" before roaring back to life just a little too late to win. Virginia Tech is a lot tougher in the trenches and should be able to slow down the Jayhawks enough to win.
PREDICTION: Virginia Tech 27, Kansas 21
LAST WORD: If Mangino could run faster, or at all, he might literally devour Tech's Frank Beamer in a fit of rage.
ANALOGY: Frank Beamer: Mark Mangino:: Freckle: Massive cyst
1/5
International Bowl
Ball State vs. Rutgers
The International Bowl: brought to you by a well-hidden and little-known clause in the NAFTA agreement. It's long been acknowledged that Canada cannot truly appreciate football games unless at least one of the teams is nicknamed the Roughriders. Expect a lukewarm crowd.
PREDICTION: Roughriders 23, Roughriders 13
LAST WORD: I'd bet every last loonie on the Roughriders here.
ANALOGY: Canada: United States:: Temple: Penn State
1/6
GMAC Bowl
Tulsa vs. Bowling Green
I'm speechless.
PREDICTION: Tulsa 30, Bowling Green 27
LAST WORD: I hope at least the players are excited about this one, but somehow I doubt it.
ANALOGY: Plan 9 From Outer Space: Tulsa:: Battlefield Earth: Bowling Green
1/7
BCS National Championship Game
Ohio State vs. Louisiana State
First, a word on the coaches. Jim Tressel is your dad. Conservative, no bullshit, icy, disapproving stare whether he's witnessing the birth of his eldest son or a Greenpeace demonstration. He's the guy who says nothing but is actually attempting to explode his daughter's idiot pothead boyfriend with mind bullets in the middle of dinner. Enter Les Miles, the idiot pothead boyfriend. He engages in crazy, self-destructive behavior with a wanton disregard for everyone and everything dear to him. He openly flirts and professes his desire for more attractive women in front of his girlfriends. But dammit, he's got charisma.
Anyway, on to the game. All I've heard all season is how awesome LSU is. And I've seen them on TV probably half a dozen times, at least. Point is, they're plenty hyped. This isn't last year's Florida team, scraping by on a miracle and a handful of pixie dust before inexplicably turning psycho killer in the title game. So I think LSU has been doing less with more to a greater extent than any other team in the country, save Michigan and other obvious disappointments. Ohio State, the Illinois game a noteworthy exception, has been ruthless and calculating all season, suffocating teams with their defense and generally making very few mistakes. Part of me think I'm just being a homer, but I'm just going to go with my instinct here.
PREDICTION: Ohio State 24, Louisiana State 20
LAST WORD: It can't be worse than last year. Right?
ANALOGY: Ohio State: LSU:: Screwing Michigan: Screwing Michigan
12/20
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Utah vs. Navy
Twice a bridesmaid for the illustrious "Least Aptly-Named, Most Inconceivably Insignificant, Head-Scratchingly Useless and Disappointing Bowl Game of the Year Award", the SDCCUPB strides confidently to the connubial altar this year, as it wins the coveted LANMIIHSUDBGOYA in the award's closest vote ever, winning by a 1-0 margin over the Roady's Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl. So congrats, San Diego County Credit Union, you've joined papajohns.com in the immortal pantheon of bowl game futility.
PREDICTION: Utah 38, Navy 27
LAST WORD: Navy was fun to watch this year - they beat Notre Dame but lost to I-AA Delaware. Utah isn't as exciting or patriotic, but they're better at football. This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a Poinsettia Bowl.
ANALOGY: Poinsettia Bowl: bowl games:: Geo Metro: automobiles
12/21
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis
Holy hell, what a terrible matchup. I'd almost rather venture into a mall four days before Christmas than watch this game, and this is coming from a fan who voluntarily watched entire Cleveland Browns contests for all of 1999.
PREDICTION: Memphis 36, Florida Atlantic 17
LAST WORD: Next!
ANALOGY: New Orleans Bowl: Poinsettia Bowl:: Kia Spectra: Geo Metro
12/22
Papa John's Pizza Papajohns.com Bowl
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
They may not have beaten the Poinsettia Bowl this year for being the dumbest bowl game, but they're a shoo-in for the Redundancy in Naming Award. Talk about a mismatch, Cincy is a top fifteen team, while Southern Miss is pretty damn bad, even for a bowl game three days before Christmas in Birmingham.
PREDICTION: Cincinnati 31, Southern Miss 7
LAST WORD: Fear not, we're only about 20 days from the BCS Championship!
ANALOGY: Papa Johns: pizza:: Spam: pork products
New Mexico Bowl
Nevada vs. New Mexico
The 2007 New Mexico Bowl: the only bowl game brought to you by...New Mexico!!! I'm pretty sure it's written somewhere in the game's contract that either New Mexico or New Mexico State must play in the bowl. Still, I guess Nevada and New Mexico are about as natural as rivals can get. If not in football, at least in alien conspiracy theories, or... well, sand, I suppose.
PREDICTION: Nevada 24, New Mexico 20
LAST WORD: New Mexico fans riot after the win and set Albuquerque ablaze, rendering much of the state a glassy, inhospitable wasteland.
ANALOGY: UNLV: Nevada:: New Mexico State: New Mexico
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl
Brigham Young vs. UCLA
Now we're talking! Mormons in the Sin City to battle Westwood's finest! While this might not be such a great game, at least the announcers won't get bored with such a great storyline.
PREDICTION: BYU 31, UCLA 16
LAST WORD: UCLA is miserable, but at least they fired their coach. I'm sure that will be all it takes to push them past USC at last.
ANALOGY: Bea! Why you?: 31:: You see? LA!:16
12/23
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
East Carolina vs. Boise State
So many angles on this one. Boise State, last year's unanimous national champion and Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2007, travels to the Hawaii Bowl, traditionally the bastion of the University of Hawaii, because they lost to Hawaii a few weeks ago. So Hawaii and Boise have swapped spots in the bowls this year, essentially, but the Broncos remain the nation's darling. East Carolina, meanwhile, faces the unenviable prospect of flying almost halfway around the world to get reamed by Ian Johnson and Co. At least they get to go to Hawaii. It could be worse - ask Southern Miss!
PREDICTION: Boise State 37, East Carolina 17
LAST WORD: Boise finishes 11-2, #2 in the nation, and as always, #1 in our hearts. God Bless America.
ANALOGY: Hawaii: tourist dollars:: Paris Hilton: camera lenses
12/26
Chrysler, Ford, and GM Motor City Bowl
Central Michigan vs. Purdue
Q: Hey, Purdue, you just finished in a four-way tie for seventh place in the Big Ten! What are you going to do next?
A: Take a bus to Detroit on the day after Christmas...
Q: Oh....
PREDICTION: Purdue 42, Central Michigan 28
LAST WORD: This is a rematch of a game nobody wanted to watch in the first place.
ANALOGY: Detroit: Michigan:: Sarajevo: Bosnia and Herzegovina
12/27
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Arizona State vs. Texas
Ah, the Holiday Bowl. The sole beacon of light and justice amidst a tempestuous sea of blackness and chaos. Why such a perennially good matchup is always a week before New Year's is a mystery to me, but it's a welcome reprieve from your Motor City and New Mexico Bowls. Texas is probably the most overrated team in the country, or at least they were before losing to Texas A&M, the other most overrated team in the country.
PREDICTION: Arizona State 30, Texas 19
LAST WORD: Sun Devils plan to celebrate win by coasting through next season 5-7, per usual.
ANALOGY: Arizona State: breast implants:: Texas: overemphasized masculinity
12/28
Champs Sports Bowl
Michigan State vs. Boston College
Oh, Boston College, how far you have fallen. The football starved northeast wanted so badly for you to storm the BCS and provide everyone with Doug Flutie-approved miracles, but it was not to be. Now you face Michigan State, a team so inconsistent and unstable that, given the way this season has gone, will inevitably win this game.
PREDICTION: Michigan State 28, Boston College 27
LAST WORD: I'm well aware of how bad this pick is; that's exactly why I picked it.
ANALOGY: Michigan State: flaky:: Fergie: obnoxious
Texas Bowl
Texas Christian vs. Houston
In your face, New Mexico Bowl! Booyah! These former Southwest Conference members have spent the past fifteen years cursing SMU and regularly doing some BCS busting. And finally, we have the Texas Bowl to once and for all tell us who the fourth best college football team in Texas is. Somewhere, Baby Jesus is smiling down on a Wal-Mart.
PREDICTION: Houston 33, Texas Christian 21
LAST WORD: Be still, my heart! Believe it or not, it gets even better than this.
ANALOGY: Baby Jesus: Jesus:: Michael Jackson, circa Jackson 5: Michael Jackson, circa today
Emerald Nuts Emerald Bowl
Oregon State vs. Maryland
Good Emerald Bowl or...best Emerald Bowl ever? Anyway, Oregon State has a suffocating defense and Maryland lacks what the pro scouts consider "talent". This does not bode well for the Terps and Coach Friedgen, who has literally (like the rest of the Western hemisphere) and figuratively been eclipsed by fellow land-whale Mangino at Kansas.
PREDICTION: Oregon State 24, Maryland 10
LAST WORD: Haha. Beavers.
ANALOGY: Oregon State's uniforms: Oregon's uniforms:: Being impaled on a rusty spike: Being boiled in oil
12/29
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Wake Forest vs. Connecticut
If you don't know about these teams, I'll save you a lot of trouble. Remember Rudy? Picture two entire teams of Rudys, squads that win games due to fluky turnovers, bad calls, blind luck, and plucky gumption rather than football skill and strategy. Somewhere, Baby Walter Camp is smiling down on a Woolworth's.
PREDICTION: Connecticut 5, Wake Forest 4.
LAST WORD: My sources indicate Joe Paterno will vote the winner of this game #1 in the Coaches' Poll.
ANALOGY: Rudy: good movies:: Pyongyang: good vacation destinations
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
Mississippi State is really, really bad. Really. Really bad. Their coach does sound sort of like Barry White talking through a Darth Vader mask though, so there's that, um, angle. I guess. Central Florida's actually pretty solid, and they have the best unheralded running back in the country. How unheralded? So unheralded I don't remember his name.
PREDICTION: Central Florida 20, Mississippi State 14
LAST WORD: Not a good year for football in the state of Mississippi. In fact, was it a good year for anything in the state of Mississippi?
ANALOGY: Mississippi State: Ole Miss:: Dumb: Dumber
Valero Alamo Bowl
Texas A&M vs. Penn State
For those of you who disdain the forward pass and going for it on second down and who didn't get enough stodginess in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, I present to you the Alamo Bowl. Two hilariously hamstrung offenses coupled with annually stingy defenses. Talk about a great way to blast through the post-Christmas pre-New Year's miasma!
PREDICTION: Penn State 13, Texas A&M 12
LAST WORD: All the points will come from defensive touchdowns. A&M will miss both extra points, while Penn State only misses one. Go Nits!
ANALOGY: Joe Paterno: death:: Angels: winning the pennant
12/30
PetroSun Independence Bowl
Colorado vs. Alabama
From the makers of...gasoline. Live, from...Shreveport. Comes the...Indepe, ah the hell with it. Which team will finish above .500? Which team will fall below .500? I don't know, but there are...no ties in college football anymore, so it can't be both of them.
PREDICTION: Alabama 17, Colorado 14
LAST WORD: In a last minute decision, Nick Saban abandons a plan to wear a Bear Bryant derby and glow-in-the-dark t-shirt comparing Alabama's recent struggles to September 11 on the sidelines. Surprisingly, Crimson Tide partisans still assassinate him halfway through the third quarter.
ANALOGY: Nick Saban: popularity:: MAD Magazine: journalistic integrity
12/31
Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl
California vs. Air Force
CONFLICT OF INTEREST! Air Force in an Armed Forces Bowl sponsored by a helicopter company? Honestly? Cal is going to get jobbed here. Ten bucks they get arrested by military police for trespassing when they try to enter the locker rooms at Amon G. Carter Stadium.
PREDICTION: Air Force 23, California 18
LAST WORD: California's season went down the tubes pretty quickly, eh? Enjoy a night of grim sarcasm in Fort Worth, Golden Bears!
ANALOGY: Berkeley: "you can't, like own, property, man":: Air Force: "kill a commie for mommy"
Brut Sun Bowl
South Florida vs. Oregon
Say what you will about the Brut Sun Bowl, at least it has a really short name. Only eleven letters. Good job, guys. Anyway, this could have been the BCS Championship Game about six weeks ago. Now Oregon is basically playing their backup punter at QB. They deserved better.
PREDICTION: South Florida 21, Oregon 17
LAST WORD: This will announce South Florida's existence as a university that plays football and comes from southern Florida to the tens of fans who tune in. Take notice, BCS!
ANALOGY: Oregon: Orgeron:: In: Gin
Roady's Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
It must be really weird for Fresno State to be playing in a bowl game at Boise State's home field. It'd be like watching Michigan run out of the home tunnel at the Horseshoe. I bet those guys think it's weird. Do you think they think it's weird?
PREDICTION: Fresno State 30, Georgia Tech 23
LAST WORD: Calvin Johnson must be so bitter that Chan Gailey only got fired after he left. And that he now plays for the Detroit Lions. At least he still holds the secret to human flight.
ANALOGY: Calvin Johnson: Reggie Ball:: LeBron James: Larry Hughes
Gaylord Hotels and Bridgestone Music City Bowl
Florida State vs. Kentucky
Kentucky is another one of those teams that was a great story for the first eight weeks of the season and an unmitigated disaster for the final month. Say hi, Oregon, California, South Florida, Boston College, Connecticut, and South Carolina! Unlike most Kentucky football games, this wouldn't be a better matchup on the basketball court.
PREDICTION: Kentucky 35, Florida State 22
LAST WORD: I hope they play the Allstate commercials about the Bobby Bowden statue during this game. That'd be so meta.
ANALOGY: Bobby Bowden: football coaches:: Ramses II: Egyptian pharaohs
Insight Enterprises Insight Bowl
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
I, for one, am thrilled that Indiana finally made a bowl game. They were the last remaining Big Ten team I couldn't personally remember making it to the postseason, and they're a good story. Neither team has a defense, and they both like to score a lot. This is what bowl games are supposed to look like. You hear me, Alamo Bowl?
PREDICTION: Oklahoma State 52, Indiana 41
LAST WORD: I guess this was technically as close to a dream season as it could get for Indiana. Still, no.
ANALOGY: Hoosiers: Hoosiers:: Cowboys: Brokeback Mountain
Chick-fil-A (Peach) Bowl
Clemson vs. Auburn
It bugs me that they renamed the Peach Bowl for a chicken sandwich restaurant whose only apparent claim to fame is waffle-cut french fries. Still, this is probably the best matchup we've seen so far. So I won't make jokes about it.
PREDICTION: Auburn 23, Clemson 20
LAST WORD: Auburn always seems to win these ones, while Clemson always seems to blow them. How's that for analysis?!
ANALOGY: Chick-fil-A: chicken:: Papa Johns: pizza
1/1/2008
Outback Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
Need to cure that New Year's Eve hangover before the in-laws arrive? Enjoy the Outback Bowl. Wisconsin sniped this bid early and it looked smart until Missouri and West Virginia lost. As it stands, it's a January bowl game between two solid, talented teams. I'd even dare say it's watchable.
PREDICTION: Tennessee 28, Wisconsin 20
LAST WORD: I think Wisconsin will have trouble moving the ball against Tennessee.
ANALOGY: Wisconsin: beer and cheese:: Tennessee: raccoons 'n' gravy
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Missouri vs. Arkansas
Battle of the Ozarks: This time, it's about the crushing poverty! Missouri is inevitably feeling snubbed after Kansas made the Orange Bowl despite not even winning their division. Arkansas will probably line up all-world RB Darren McFadden at running back, quarterback, receiver, center, punter, linebacker, nickelback, and head coach, now that Houston Nutt is gone. I love Arkansas. Their trick plays are just standard runs out of the I-form or short curl routes along the sideline. Nobody is prepared for them.
PREDICTION: Missouri 37, Arkansas 31
LAST WORD: McFadden is a blinding beam of light, but unfortunately he can't play every position simultaneously. Don't be stupid. Only Mike Hart can achieve such feats.
ANALOGY: Darren McFadden: football skill:: LeBron James: human evolution
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
Virginia vs. Texas Tech
Ah, this is a good matchup. Virginia lived and died by the UConn-Wake Forest-Penn State philosophy all year, meaning all their games were close and none were pretty. Texas Tech, on the other hand, is the quintessential Playstation offense, quite content to throw the ball 80 or 90 times a game. Quite the contrast, these two.
PREDICTION: Texas Tech 34, Virginia 20
LAST WORD: Tech's Mike Leach is my favorite coach in the NCAA. Eminently quotable, a gentleman and scholar. The last true Renaissance man.
ANALOGY: Mike Leach: football coaches:: Blackbeard: pirate captains
Capital One Bowl
Michigan vs. Florida
Talk about a horrible season for Michigan. Bad losses, injuries, fourth straight defeat to Ohio State, a Jerry Springer-esque coaching melodrama in the wake of Lloyd Carr's retirement. You name it. A meteor could strike Jake Long dead at the fifty yard line during the coin toss and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. In fact, Vegas is offered 1:2 odds on that very scenario unfolding, and I'm taking this opportunity to call that my Watertight Golden Rule Safeguard FDIC Guaranteed Absolute Lock of the Century Pick. Seriously. Go. Call your bookie, $200 on the meteor. Go meteor!
PREDICTION: Florida 44, Meteor 17, Michigan 14
LAST WORD: Let's hear all the self-righteous Michigan fans put a positive spin on this one, especially after they inevitably hire Mike DeBord as the new head coach.
ANALOGY: Michigan: delusions of relevance:: Florida: delusions of popularity
Citi Rose Bowl Game
Illinois vs. Southern California
The Rose Bowl is different. It's not just any bowl, no, it's a Bowl Game. It doesn't pick just any two teams, no. One of them is crappy (Illinois). And there's a lame parade! Hail tradition!
PREDICTION: Southern California 37, Illinois 13
LAST WORD: Illinois: 2008's most inevitably overrated team. Just saying.
ANALOGY: Ron Zook: Rose Bowl:: Lap:: Falling things
Allstate Sugar Bowl
Hawaii vs. Georgia
The best team Hawaii played was Boise State. Hawaii actually played a junior college, a technical high school, a Pop Warner squad, and an all-star assembly of Great Plains Punt, Pass, and Kick semifinalists en route to an undefeated season. Georgia in a rout.
PREDICTION: Georgia 34, Hawaii 17
LAST WORD: Don't worry Boise, you're still my favorite.
ANALOGY: Colt Brennan: legitimate Heisman candidate:: Dennis Kucinich: Our 44th President
1/2
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Of all the teams to gripe about LSU in the title game, Oklahoma has the strongest case. They beat the #1 team in the season finale, while LSU beat...Tennessee. Barely. West Virginia, meanwhile, lost to Pitt due to injuries and the general nonsensicalness of this season. Both teams nearly had a title shot, so they should be reasonably pissed off for this one. Expect a good, hard-fought contest.
PREDICTION: Oklahoma 35, West Virginia 31
LAST WORD: Over/Under on the number of references to White and Slaton as a "dynamic duo": fifteen. I'm taking the over.
ANALOGY: West Virginia: couches:: Oklahoma: hopes and dreams
1/3
FedEx Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
In Kansas's last (and arguably, first ever) game in the national spotlight (against Missouri), they looked like a tired middle schooler, blinking and mumbling "five more minutes, mom" before roaring back to life just a little too late to win. Virginia Tech is a lot tougher in the trenches and should be able to slow down the Jayhawks enough to win.
PREDICTION: Virginia Tech 27, Kansas 21
LAST WORD: If Mangino could run faster, or at all, he might literally devour Tech's Frank Beamer in a fit of rage.
ANALOGY: Frank Beamer: Mark Mangino:: Freckle: Massive cyst
1/5
International Bowl
Ball State vs. Rutgers
The International Bowl: brought to you by a well-hidden and little-known clause in the NAFTA agreement. It's long been acknowledged that Canada cannot truly appreciate football games unless at least one of the teams is nicknamed the Roughriders. Expect a lukewarm crowd.
PREDICTION: Roughriders 23, Roughriders 13
LAST WORD: I'd bet every last loonie on the Roughriders here.
ANALOGY: Canada: United States:: Temple: Penn State
1/6
GMAC Bowl
Tulsa vs. Bowling Green
I'm speechless.
PREDICTION: Tulsa 30, Bowling Green 27
LAST WORD: I hope at least the players are excited about this one, but somehow I doubt it.
ANALOGY: Plan 9 From Outer Space: Tulsa:: Battlefield Earth: Bowling Green
1/7
BCS National Championship Game
Ohio State vs. Louisiana State
First, a word on the coaches. Jim Tressel is your dad. Conservative, no bullshit, icy, disapproving stare whether he's witnessing the birth of his eldest son or a Greenpeace demonstration. He's the guy who says nothing but is actually attempting to explode his daughter's idiot pothead boyfriend with mind bullets in the middle of dinner. Enter Les Miles, the idiot pothead boyfriend. He engages in crazy, self-destructive behavior with a wanton disregard for everyone and everything dear to him. He openly flirts and professes his desire for more attractive women in front of his girlfriends. But dammit, he's got charisma.
Anyway, on to the game. All I've heard all season is how awesome LSU is. And I've seen them on TV probably half a dozen times, at least. Point is, they're plenty hyped. This isn't last year's Florida team, scraping by on a miracle and a handful of pixie dust before inexplicably turning psycho killer in the title game. So I think LSU has been doing less with more to a greater extent than any other team in the country, save Michigan and other obvious disappointments. Ohio State, the Illinois game a noteworthy exception, has been ruthless and calculating all season, suffocating teams with their defense and generally making very few mistakes. Part of me think I'm just being a homer, but I'm just going to go with my instinct here.
PREDICTION: Ohio State 24, Louisiana State 20
LAST WORD: It can't be worse than last year. Right?
ANALOGY: Ohio State: LSU:: Screwing Michigan: Screwing Michigan
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